I think I’ve felt more emotions in the last four days than in my entire life.
Sorry folks, it’s that time again where I pull out the sine curve graph thing.
It’s desperate times when the girl who can’t read a 24 hour clock summons math. Once again, it’s got colours and it’s a gif so don’t make that face and bear with me.
I spent the duration of the last week at the -1 spot on the red curve. That’s the worst and best place to put a writer. I didn’t realise I was capable of feeling that many emotions that fast all within the span of a few days.
I’m really good at documenting life on the incline, the +1 section of the curve. That’s great, means I count my blessings.
The true test of character is whether you can still say Allhamdulilah when ”things couldn’t possibly get any worse.” Withstanding adversity with confidence is tawakkul (trust in Allah). No, not just withstanding it, taking each punch on the chin and still being able to smile.
This is where my checkpoint comes in, where you save your progress and recollect your thoughts. Mine’s bodies of water, like oceans and seas, somewhere with a horizon. But I’ll take a lake, river, pond – whatever, girl lives in a city, do what you gotta. By Wednesday evening I found myself at one of my college’s many lakes, because it feels like an alternate dimension. A glitch in the matrix.. a blue screen kinda glitch. There, staring at my makeshift horizon of the lake with the world, I felt the weight of the sine curve on my shoulders.
My last post was all about strength and resilience. This, this is a different kind of strength. As I sit there and allow current events to move in and settle in my life, make themselves comfortable, I have to resolve. Resolve to keep going, to get up and actually drive home.
I don’t ever recall feeling so delicate, it was one of those moments were you’d sell a kidney for an undo button. The last time I remember vividly feeling similarly broken was about two years ago, when it was easier to deal with.
I no longer have my usual escape route, and it has been for the better. That was how I usually made that resolve, in the comfort of words and futures that were not to come. In short, not because I wanted resolution, but because I was walked to it.
This is where the tawakkul comes in, heck, it has no choice but to make a swift intervention. With difficulty, and then with ease, strength returned. Kinda like waves. No shaking fists at the sky, damning all above us, but determination to deal with it.
Once I arrived home, the strength vanished and that’s also okay (I only ever said you can’t cry in public, okay). I hadn’t realised how physically tense I was until every muscle relaxed, because danger was not upon us, it was now a part of the simulation. As the curtains closed on a day where every minute was a strange, uncomfortable reality, I knew that the sine curve was to go back up. It actually can’t get any worse, the rules of nature dictates it.
With this, I close the moping and mourning and move swiftly on.
Side note: be nice, please. You don’t know where someone is on their sine curve of life.